refinement is required.

I spent some time sitting on the dock with my feet dangling in the water last week.  With my pen and book in hand, I took a deep breath and opened the pages.  I hadn’t really thought about this time in my life this way.  That possibly, this small setback could be the beginning of a greater thing at work in me.

After failing miserably at the small task that was ahead of me two weeks ago, I wondered what I was becoming.  Sure of the disappointment in myself and from others around me, it was evident I was weighed down.  Tired of singing the same song;  intentional change needed to happen, or this current course of setback would easily transform into a course of destruction.

This course has ultimately led me to the fire.  Reminded of a song we used to sing in my youth group days, the pain of refinement was clear.  As gold goes through a purification process, the steady degree of temperature allows not for the damage of the compound, but for it’s perfection.  To the top, rise the impurities, that if they remained, would significantly decrease the worth of that piece of gold.  And so the refinement process creates opportunity for the unclean things to get skimmed off the surface.  Painful.  I saw in myself, those things that make me less than what I want to become.  In fact, I could list them.  Really, it’s disgusting.

But I can’t move forward into something I’ve never been if I’m still the same.  Refinement is required.  I have to be changed from the inside out because a greater work is waiting to happen.  Fighting only works until you’ve lost all your strength.

I’ve decided that each day has the potential to be the very best day of my life.  As I continue to trust and to wait, giving up hope would be silly.  A setback was in store for me to become something I’ve never been.

 

Certain in Uncertainity

For the second time, the stories from a village in Africa have driven me to find strength and hope in uncertain days.  But I didn’t think I’d be speaking to myself; preparing myself for what would happen in the next few days.

After an incredibly refreshing (and exciting) long weekend in the sunshine state, I was welcomed home with the news no one wants to hear.  The company I work for is closing it’s doors.  This Friday, Iwill be added to the statistic of an ever growing state of difficulty in our economy.

But for one of the first times in my life after receiving life changing news, I’m upbeat about it.  Though the days ahead will again, be tough; I’m excited for them to begin because I know greater things are yet to come.

I read on April 29, in the most brilliant writing of Oswald Chambers’,
My Utmost for His Highest:

“To be certain of God mean that we are uncertain in all our ways.  We do not know what a day may bring forth.  This is generally said with a sigh of sadness; it should be rather an expression of breathless expectation.  We are uncertain of the next steps, but we are certain of God.  When we are rightly related to God, life is full of spontaneous, joyful uncertainity and expectancy.  Leave the whole thing to Him, it is gloriously uncertain how He will come in, but He will come.  Remain loyal to Him.”

I am not uncertain of God, but uncertain of what He will do next.

 

A Diamond. True Beauty.

I originally posted this writing a few years ago.  Suddenly, I understand it so much differently.

I subscribe to a weekly email newsletter through Radiant Magazine (www.radiantmag.com). The article I read this morning was incredible and I think there is an important message for all of us. I hope you enjoy as much as I did.

A Diamond’s True Beauty By Felicity White
Part of the creative genius of God is that He seems to have encoded little messages to us in the most unexpected places. One of my favorites comes from the half-carat diamond in my engagement ring. I’m not sure if I fell in love with this diamond because it came from the guy of my dreams or because it is the single most expensive item I’ve ever owned outside of my Corolla, but this diamond has illustrated more valuable lessons to me than anything I’ve learned from the trendy self-help books decorating my bedroom shelves.

The messages started with a simple revelation. In the days following my engagement I was acutely aware of my left hand. Did I always bang it on the bathroom stall like that? Had I always dragged it along the stairway railing as if it were barely connected to my body? I noticed every time I bumped into one of my student’s desks or fumbled with my cell phone in my purse. I started having crazy dreams involving the discovery that the ring was a fake. I knew this because it would crumble in my fingers like a clod of dirt or shatter on the ground in a million pieces. I would awake in a panic, find my perfectly intact ring on the bedside table and laugh at myself. I took the ring off for showers and for my frequent applications of antibacterial hand lotion.

After a few weeks of this obsessive behavior I started to get the picture. Nothing was happening to my diamond. I would carefully check it over for scratches or any sign of damage, but I realized that I wasn’t going to find anything. This gem was made for a lifetime of wearing—jewelers knew what they were doing when they decided which precious stone should become the symbol of every American male’s undying love. I got the message—this diamond is not just beautiful; it is a symbol of strength and endurance.

I took the lesson to heart for my own life. I started imagining myself as that little gem: beautiful, mysterious and strong. I became so interested that I started studying diamond websites and actually checking out books at the library about the history of diamonds and their cultural significance. This has been fascinating and enlightening. I’m more convinced than ever that God gave us diamonds and other rare rocks as reminders of the kind of women He wants us to be. After all, Peter refers to believers as living stones, and John’s description in Revelation of the City of God includes costly and precious stones, not gray slabs of dull rock.

The real beauty of a diamond is found on the inside. We love the fireworks and tiny rainbows created when light hits the stone, but those are just the effects of good clarity and the right cut on the inside of the diamond. Clarity means the diamond itself is free of flaws and inclusions, little non-diamond particles that can’t even be seen with the human eye. You have to look through a special jeweler’s loupe to even see these inclusions, but a diamond with a lot of flaws won’t produce sparkle like it should. Just like the sins and weaknesses in our character, these inclusions block light and muddy what should be crystal-clear material.

Clarity and cut are important criteria for deciding how much an individual diamond is worth. A small diamond with few inclusions and a perfect cut will cost more than the bigger carat with hidden flaws or an inferior cut. The cut is a precise, scientific process that involves perfect angles and dimensions to achieve maximum light reflection. I imagine it like the sometimes difficult path of discipleship: It can be time-consuming and painful, but the results are well worth the effort. Even when offered a diamond a few tenths of a carat larger than the one I received, I stuck with the stone that stood out from the rest on that little square of black velvet on the jewelry counter. It just had more sparkle. I didn’t know then that it was because of its clarity and balanced cut that this particular diamond projected so much more light than even the larger ones nearby.

This pretty stone has demonstrated to me that the life of beauty I want on the outside starts on the inside. If things are out of sync in my depths, it shows on my surface. To reflect the light of Jesus as remarkably as He shines it into my life in the first place, I have to be willing to examine my soul for clarity and submit to the cuts of discipleship. When I believe in and act upon these simple messages from my diamond, I learn to reflect His light with brilliance to a dark world. I become a rare rock living life from the inside out.”

Thank you Felicity for sharing your inspiring thoughts.

 

In Between Africa and America

I’m turning into a junkie and I can’t help it.  Really, I can’t.  Just about everyday, I find myself consumed with books, blogs, and websites.  Today, I was easily distracted for a solid 30 minutes.  I wanted to hear her story, I wanted to learn her name, and I wanted to respond.  I wanted to be reminded of the hope she found.

Because someone gave, her community will have clean water; free from bacteria & other disease causing organisms.

There is this deep need within me to fight for justice.  I have fallen in love with people and organizations passionate to do the same.  Do the (RED) thing and get on board with Gap, Hallmark, & Apple, who are creating products to help you help eliminate AIDS in Africa.  Or, stand as ONE and help make poverty history.

Wells (or Boreholes as they call them in Mozambique) are not only providing clean water, but they’re saving lives. 

Community members and leaders are trained and educated on basic well equipment maintenance.  People travel from all over to share the clean water.  Community is created.  Life is restored.  I stood from a distance and watched a little girl pump the handle of the well.  Clean, cool, crisp water poured into a bucket.  She smiled.  She’s been healthier since the deep well was drilled in her village.  We climbed back into the vehicles and reached for our bottles of water.  “It’s important to stay hydrated,” we were reminded.  “Definitely,” I said, feeling guilty as I took a long drink to cool my body. 

I was stuck in between Africa & America.

I learned a big lesson that day.  Denying myself a drink from a water bottle wasn’t going to allow more people access to clean water. At the same rate, denying my ability to respond to a need that would allow more people access to clean water wouldn’t do any more good than feeling guilty as I tilted the bottle and drank some water in a country that lacks a basic survival necessity.

I’ve struggled this Christmas with exchanging gifts with friends and family.  There really isn’t anything any of us need, so why don’t we forego the entire tradition?  But then I remembered the lesson I learned one really hot day in Africa.  There is nothing wrong with enjoying gift exchanges — but there is a way to make your gift more purposeful.

I stood at a boutique last week, talking with a lady from Uganda.  I admitted I could easily spend the same amount of money (if not more) on a handbag at a department store — but it would be so much more meaningful if I knew my money was helping to make life a little less difficult for a family in Uganda.  And so began my Christmas shopping; each dollar making a difference around Uganda, Rwanda, Mozambique, and China. 

I’ve been stuck in between Africa and America since I’ve been back from Mozambique.  Honestly, most days, I don’t know what to do about it.  But today, I’ve found a way to make the season bright for my friends and family in Africa and in America, by steering this passion to “exercise kindness, justice, and righteousness on earth, for in these I delight.”

Merry Christmas.

 

the road less traveled.

The drive was longer than all of the others.  We arrived in a desolate area; piled out of the vehicles, most of us unsure of this initiative site.  I looked around me.  There wasn’t any singing.  There were no people there to welcome us with dance.  I couldn’t identify any indicator of life in the near surroundings.  Then, we started to walk.

We followed a path, uncertain of where it would lead.  The trail led us down a hill, through tall grass, and around a few turns.  When we reached the bottom of the hill, we stood there curious, wondering how we were going to cross the river.  We were greeted by a few locals in their canoe.  As instructed, we stepped into our ride that would take us to the other side.

“I’ve done little reading on HIV/AIDS in the last few years.  Honestly, I’ve found myself more interested in issues concerning clean water and poverty.  That is, until recently.  A few years ago, a close friend of mine learned her brother was infected with HIV.  Unfortunately, I had to travel 10,000 miles to begin to understand one story and another 10,000 miles to realize my personal conflict as I thought about morality vs survival.  The USA vs Africa.”

We stood on the beach, safely arriving to the other side.  I looked up the hill and realized it was going to be a long journey to our destination.  One by one, each of us climbed up the rugged beginnings of the trail that was before us.  Unaware of where we were headed, someone commented about the roughness of the terrain.  I turned and asked a team member if he knew anything about the project we were visiting.  “People living with HIV/AIDS,” he responded.  I kept walking.  Silent, I tried to prepare myself for the unknown.

“AIDS is a global pandemic.  Nearly 33 million people live with HIV.  Two-thirds of all people living with HIV are in Africa.  By 2010, more than 20 million children will be orphaned due to AIDS.  Another person dies every 15 seconds.  This crisis will not go away by itself.”

Source: AIDS Epidemic Update, UNAIDS, December 2006.

I began to think about how the HIV/AIDS stigma affects me at that moment.  For some reason, I’m reminded of a story I read in a book on Social Justice.  A woman has five children.  She lost her husband to illness earlier in the year.  Since his death, there has been little income for the family.  She struggles to find a way to provide food for her hungry children.  She meets a man.  He offers her $10 in exchange for one night.  She considers her situation.  The  next day, she is able to provide one more meal for her children.  A decision laced with morality, quickly becomes a decision laced in survival.  She has become infected with HIV.  Due to the close proximity within living conditions, her children contract the disease.  Each day continues to be a fight for survival.

Someone comments on the road being less traveled.  It is obvious the stigma in Africa has not been broken.

We keep walking.

“A week after arriving back in the States from 12 days spent in Africa, I took part in the World Vision Experience.  It was what I needed to allow myself to start processing the most difficult, yet most hope-filled visit while in Africa.  I walked through the individual interactive site, learning the story of a boy named Kombo.  He, like many others was diagnosed with HIV/AIDS.  I walked through the doors of the clinic, into a chapel where faces lined the walls made of sticks.  Some faces on those photos had a red positive sign stamped across them.  HIV is not a respecter of persons.  But, there is hope.”

That specific site in Africa shared stories of hope.  I left that day, hopeful of the future.  Though child mortality rates continue to rise and life expectancies continue to fall, the people living with HIV/AIDS still had life.  They are receiving education as well as anti-retro viral medication to prolong their days.  They are beginning to tell their story, in hopes that others will fight with them.

I shared with the team some encouragement.  “Where there is life, there is hope.”  I learned the next day it’s actually biblical.  Ecclesiastes 9:4 says, “…Anyone who is among the living has hope…”

“Two roads diverged in a yellow wood, and sorry I could not travel both. And be one traveler, long I stood and looked down one as far as I could to where it bent in the undergrowth; then took the other, just as fair, and having perhaps the better claim, because it was grassy and wanted wear; though as for the passing there had worn them really about the same. And both that morning equally lay in leaves no step had trodden black. Oh, I kept the first for another day! Yet knowing how way leads on to way, I doubted if I should ever come back.  I shall be telling this with a sigh, somewhere ages and ages hence: Two roads diverged in a wood, and I – I took the one less traveled by, and that has made all the difference.”
Robert Frost

World AIDS Day.  12.01.08. Take the road less traveled.

 

the words on his page.

“I never in my heart ever wanted to give it all up.

I understand.

Sometimes I get tunnel vision and I only see what is in front of me and I am unable to see the bigger picture.

Because of your strength and your trust in God, unlike me lately, you have been able to focus.

I have forgotten the many things you’ve done for me.  The ways you allowed me to be in your life.

How much you’ve loved, given, and prayed.

All those times.  It was because you did.

I realize now, why you invest so much into your relationship with God.

He makes you whole when you’re empty. He loves you when you feel you’re not loveable. He forgives when you’re at your worst. He is there when you are loneliest. He makes you tall when you are small. You know everything is going to be alright even when things couldn’t be any worse. You know deep down, God has a plan and you’re not afraid. He makes you strong and keeps you together, even when you think you’re falling apart.

I was up all night. Talking with God I suppose. Today I told him that I was going to try to trust him and that I was going to keep on walking, trusting that he would guide in the right direction. I felt a little less alone this morning. I felt a little spark inside me this morning when I was talking to him. Im trusting and hoping maybe that was his doing. Im trusting and hoping he will clear the fog, give me clarity and the strength to walk in the right direction whatever that may be.

Lately I have been praying to God, to guide me, to direct me, or to give me some kind of sign. Maybe I havent been looking hard enough and the sign is right under my nose. Im not even sure anymore. Sometimes I feel like im waiting. Waiting for something. And I just dont know what Im waiting for. Its like this feeling inside me wanting to, break out. I can feel it right now, right in my chest. Its feels like this living thing inside me, and its waiting for the right moment to show itself. The feeling is strong and some what powerful. Sometimes at the right moments I can feel flow through my veins, but then it fades. It flows when I see, hear, and feel certain things, sometimes all at the once. Its a feeling thats feels so right, like you were meant see, hear, or feel it at that very moment. So right in fact, It sends shivers down my spine, and leaves me with goose bumps.”

It isnt’t what, it is why.
His journey. Many steps.
We’re all still becoming.
Each day. One foot in front of the other.
Doing life and writing stories.

You know who you are.

Keep laughing. Keep dreaming. Keep living. Keep walking. Keep exploring. Keep loving.

 

4 months to go…

Despite what some may think, I’ve never been much of a goal-setter.  There are definitely things I’d like to accomplish in my lifetime, but those dreams are much too simple for paper.  So, as I sat down in the beginning days of 2008, I filled out a goal sheet outlining the specifics for the next 365 days.

Clearly, it’s not the end of the year — but the weather this week will remind you it’s right around the corner.  As a way to continue to motivate myself to keep reaching and grasping for my future until the end of 2008, I thought I’d share some highlights from the first 8 months of the year.

• I’ve exceeded my financial goals for the year with 4 months remaining.
• I wanted to use my passport this year — in October, I’m heading to Africa.
• I’ve been making significant progress this year as I strive to change my “bad habit”.
• New friends? Yes! A few people have quickly made their way into a special place in my life.
• Exercise? I joined a fitness club!
• I wanted to run 10 miles –  I’m running the TC-10 in one month.
• I wanted to take a vacation by myself to relax, write, reflect (all on the beach of course). I spent 4 days doing all of that and more.
• I’ve read 2/4 books and number 3 has been on my nightstand for a few months.
• Anything else?  I wanted to be an Auntie!  Crazy!! In October, my bro and his wife will welcome their little girl into this amazing world.

This year has been full of so many exciting life events and the greatest thing is that there is still so much yet to come.  There are goals I have yet to begin and others I have yet to keep pursuing with diligence.  I’m confident the rest of the year will be more of what this year has been thus far.

It is really good to be alive.  To get to love and dream.  To explore and grow.
To be fully alive as if we only had 4 months of living, rather than 4 months left of the year…

 

This Is Life.

It was late and we were exhausted.  I pushed the button to open the garage door and we waited for the door to lift.  Taking over my parking space, were all of our suitcases, boxes, and opened bins of books and clothes.  She immediately thought we were robbed — that someone rummaged through our stuff, apparently in search of something we didn’t feel was valuable to make it inside the house.  I, on the other hand, noticed the shelf supports were bent and the shelf was no longer hanging.  Immediately, I was thankful I had driven otherwise I’m sure there would have been significant damage to my vehicle.  After my moment of thankfulness — I became upset and that frustration quickly turned to crabbiness.  Who wants to clean up a major mess at 11:00 on a Sunday night?

A few days later, the contents of those boxes started to perk my interest.  I was slowly letting go of my incredible Summer Olympics addiction and I wandered into the garage.  I sat on the floor and opened up the first lid.  Ooh. It was loaded with goodies.  Inside, I found a picture box, papers from college, and a few journals.  I picked up the blue one, unsure of the words written on those pages.  I opened the cover with curiosity and hesitation, not really knowing what memories or feelings would be stirred by my reminiscing intrigue.

Feeling a bit guarded as I read, I flipped through the pages quick enough to scan the details, yet with a certain amount of pause and silence as I reflected on the journey since those entries.  I leaned back onto my car and closed my eyes.  I would never have imagined those days would have led to the life I get to live today.  I took a deep breath and flipped one more page.  November 15.  On that day, I found these words:

Eyes can’t see the way you hold me
Or how I’m hidden in Your heart
Minds don’t know all You’ve told me
Or how I ache for where You are
…
You are all over, You are around, You are inside
This is life, this is life
…
I come in empty, I leave filled
Bring my sickness, I leave healed
Broken-hearted, You mend every piece
I come in captive, I leave free

I ripped out the page of my journal and packed up the box.  I needed to find that song again.  The next day I began my search.  I found the cd, but it was unavailable for purchase.  I had just about exhausted my google search techniques when I had one last random idea.  Myspace.  I went to the artist’s page and found the song.  And, it was available as a download.

I wrote to a friend later that day, “In days like these — where we both don’t know what is to come tomorrow — I was so incredibly blessed today, fully resting in the arms of a Savior who calls me his own. He loves me, he shapes me, he disciplines me — and though my response isn’t always with a smile on my face — I look back a few years ago and then fast forward into the present and I see his hand on me every step of the way.  So, as you go about the rest of your job commitments and your hunger for community continues to grow — be confident that He who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion.  He has a plan and sometimes He has these ways of drawing us unto him.  We’re resistant and difficult — sometimes blind, but we follow — sometimes with hesitation.  It’s good to be alive today. “

I picked my friend up from the airport later that day and I’m telling her about my random rummaging through old boxes and my quest to hear this song again and my excitement when I finally found it.  Then she pulls out three new cd’s she acquired from her week with Rita Springer.  She flipped one of them over and as I scanned the song titles, there it was, “This Is Life” on the disc.

Then she said something that made me think.  “Isn’t that crazy the way God works?  If only we gave him more credit for the simple workings each day.”

This is life, isn’t it?

*If you’re interested in hearing the song for yourself, http://profile.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=user.viewprofile&friendID=72498407

 

Stop. Smell the flowers.

I went on a quest to get creative on a special day.  The more I thought about her reaction, the more excited I became.  I called my mom to tell her my plan.  I stopped by Flowers at the Park and arranged a small vase of some favorites.  The hot pinks, reds, and greens reminded me of something out of a Martha Stewart magazine.  It was perfect.  I drove to work and as soon as I peered in the door, I saw her sitting behind the desk.  “Happy Birthday tomorrow!” I exclaimed with flowers in hand.  “It’s actually today!” She responded with a big smile on her face.  “Good thing I’m on time!” I said, handing her the colored assortment.  We laughed as we typically do and we unpacked the vase and picked a place where many could enjoy the sweet smells for the day.

I didn’t expect her to be sitting at work already and I didn’t realize today was actually her birthday (I thought it was tomorrow).  If I was in her shoes, today would be a rough day.  With little kids at home and a sudden divorce on the horizon, I decided there had to be a way to make her day bright.  This birthday was going to be a little different as life has changed much in the recent months, so I decided it was a quest of mine to bring some joy and sunshine to what could’ve been a cloudy day.

I haven’t seen her smile so big in months.  As I drove away, my heart was lightened.  I smiled and could hardly contain my happiness, I had to update my mom to let her know how the plan unfolded.  As I think about her smile and the joy I felt knowing that her day was a little sunnier, I realized, this celebration of life has to continue.

Life is too short not to stop and smell the flowers.
Happy Birthday friend!

 

Going the Distance

I bet he will never realize how powerful his words were that day.  I sat in front of the computer, trying to figure out how to format his ipod and transfer thousands of his songs to his macbook, and I declared, “I can’t do this, I don’t know how!”  He sat back, fairly upset with me and said, “How do you know you can’t, you haven’t even tried!” He was right, I hadn’t really tried.  I guess thinking I can’t was an excuse that I didn’t want to — but for some reason, I willingly volunteered to pretend like I could.

Since then, every time I try something new and think about giving up, I’m reminded of that frustrating exchange of dialogue, three years ago.  I’ve conquered all sorts of things in the last few years.  Things I never thought I would have accomplished.  Each time, thinking, I can’t quit now.

I recently tried a new water sport and as I was crouched in the water waiting for the boat to take off, I thought — I’m gonna do this.  At that moment it felt good to prove him wrong, that I am trying to learn and do new things.

I’m still unsure why I thought it would be fun to run the TC 10 in October.  As each foot hits the ground in the last week, it’s really easy for me to think that I can’t do this — that I will never be able to make 10 miles.  If I don’t change my attitude, I will definitely bail on this whole deal.

As with many of us, when it gets too hard, we quit.  School, the job, relationships — we drop out of our commitment.  We give up, we give in — we call it quits.

I’m working on adjusting my attitude when I have to run when I don’t feel like it.  It’s a great thing I have such fantastic friends who encourage me to keep pushing — to feel the burn and finish strong.  We’ve decided on a quote that really defines us in this race of life, “The real race is not in finshing first, but in crossing the line.”  Because we need each other, we will continue to cheer one another on — toward the same goal — to finish strong.

We were not created to do life alone.  We need people to help us go the distance.  To help us refine our perspective, our determination, and our confidence.  Together, we can.