Highs and Lows

It was the end of a really long day.  The array of our various plans had all changed in the moment I received a phone call asking me if we still wanted tickets.  I make a call to my best and exclaimed the surprising news that came four hours in time.  Suddenly, we jumped into an intense mode to speed up two of the three arrangements we originally had in place and still hoped make happen. 

No matter how fast we functioned to accomplish our goals, it was a failed attempt and we found ourselves sitting around, waiting to leave for the big show.

Hours later, after a six-block run through the rain and many uncontrollable yawn sequences, we were back in the car, heading to our final destination.  He looks at me and asks, “What would be one high and one low for you today?”  I respond without hesitation, “My high is finding you tickets and being able to go with you tonight and my low is definitely how exausted and chilly I am after tonight.”

I looked over at him and asked the same question.  He responded with, “My high is being able to go to the show tonight and my low is…” 

I cannot remember what he said his low was.  But then he continued…

“One day, I really hope to be able to say that my high for the day is about the time I spent reading God’s word and praying.”

I’ve thought about that comment for the last four days.  Do I desire the same thing for my life?  How do my actions shape where I place my daily value for something ‘high’ in my life?  What do my actions say about my focus and motivation for living?

May today be one step of many in the direction I want to find myself one day. 

And, a continued dialogue of our daily highs and lows will help shape our perspectives of where we are and where we’re headed.  It could be our daily purposeful tradition we begin.

 

refinement is required.

I spent some time sitting on the dock with my feet dangling in the water last week.  With my pen and book in hand, I took a deep breath and opened the pages.  I hadn’t really thought about this time in my life this way.  That possibly, this small setback could be the beginning of a greater thing at work in me.

After failing miserably at the small task that was ahead of me two weeks ago, I wondered what I was becoming.  Sure of the disappointment in myself and from others around me, it was evident I was weighed down.  Tired of singing the same song;  intentional change needed to happen, or this current course of setback would easily transform into a course of destruction.

This course has ultimately led me to the fire.  Reminded of a song we used to sing in my youth group days, the pain of refinement was clear.  As gold goes through a purification process, the steady degree of temperature allows not for the damage of the compound, but for it’s perfection.  To the top, rise the impurities, that if they remained, would significantly decrease the worth of that piece of gold.  And so the refinement process creates opportunity for the unclean things to get skimmed off the surface.  Painful.  I saw in myself, those things that make me less than what I want to become.  In fact, I could list them.  Really, it’s disgusting.

But I can’t move forward into something I’ve never been if I’m still the same.  Refinement is required.  I have to be changed from the inside out because a greater work is waiting to happen.  Fighting only works until you’ve lost all your strength.

I’ve decided that each day has the potential to be the very best day of my life.  As I continue to trust and to wait, giving up hope would be silly.  A setback was in store for me to become something I’ve never been.

 

with everything.

A familiar tune plays through the car speakers,

“Open our hearts,
To see the things
That make Your heart cry,
To be the church
The You would desire.
Light to be seen.

Break down our pride,
And all the walls
We’ve built up inside,
Our earthly crowns
And all our desires,
We lay at Your feet.”

And suddenly, I’m reminded that in my deepest days of unknowning — it isn’t about me.

It’s not about the wedding I’m planning or the job I would love to have.  It isn’t about health insurance reconsideration or searching for the perfect place to live.

“So let hope rise,
And darkness tremble
In Your holy light,
And every eye will see
Jesus, our God,
Great and mighty to be praised.”

Maybe this time has more to do with the bigger things. 

My 17-year old small group girlie got baptized on Sunday.
My family has taken some BIG steps towards healing.
My sweet friend texts about the peace in her heart after a conversation we shared.

I almost missed it. Stuck in the mirror, worried about the number of hairs on my head, I almost missed the celebrations of a lifetime.

“With everything,
With everything,
We will shout for your glory.”

 

Summer on the Lanai

I recently spent some much needed time in my favorite place in the world.  I travel there often, but not frequently as I would like.  And when I get there, I am reminded that it is always the most refreshing place to visit.  Sometimes I think it’s the constant sunshine that makes me smile, while other times it’s the familiarity of an old place that makes it feel like home. 

And so it’s that time of year again.  Year 7.  This time by myself.  Books full of stories fill the pages and as I pick up one of those books every year, the stories I read this time were bittersweet.

I read a page and my heart sang like it did the summer I spent on the lanai.  It started singing the day we unexpectedly drove past that lanai this April.  Headed for either Chic-fil-a or a Slurpee from 7-Eleven (easily my two southern favorites), I recognized the tune and without hesitation, I joined in the song.

It was on that lanai when I first understood that God wanted me to be something that I’ve never been.  Still underlined in purple, the summer of 2003 defined my life and I’ve never been the same.  I hear the words I read on the page, “Don’t lose heart in the process.”

There are few days when I “get” the last few months.  But the same peace I had that summer, six years ago, is real for me again today.  “Abide in me.  Fret not.  Bank your faith in the character of God. Keep paying the price.” 

So that I may know Him.

It must be why I love to revisit this place that will always be held as markers of spiritual definement in my life.  I know I will always find what I’m looking for because I pursue it with eager anticipation. 

It’s a sacred place where life is refreshed every time.  He never disappoints.

 

But, I must live.

I read it and immediately realized the truth in it.  “Jesus says that the great care of the life is to put the relationship to God first, and everything else second.”  I’m guilty.  I’ve spent more time contemplating my next career move and how to plan a fabulous autumn event than I have spent seeking first the kingdom of God. 

“Honesty leads to confession, and confession leads to change.” (The Celebration of Discipline).

I confess that often times, God is not first, second, or third.  I sing the words to a song, “In all the world there is none but thee, my God, there is none but thee.”   Sometimes my heart wanders and my attitude follows close behind. 

I have to make this relationship a dominating concentration in my life.  I see what I am when I am not as I should. 
And then I begin to live on memories. 

The word of God must be always living and active in me.

 

May 14, 2009

As I peer out my window blinds on a day when it all began 27  years ago, my heart is lifted.  Today is a great day.

I can hear the birds chirping as a light breeze circulates freshness as I continue to wake up, unsure of what the day will bring.  I read the notes friends have sent, encouraging me in this journey.  And then I wonder, why does my spirit feel downcast within me? 

I’m reminded that my worth is not found in what (professionally) I do, but in who I am.  It’s found in the beauty of the one who has formed me from the beginning.  I will never forget a conversation I had with a friend a few years ago.  Finding myself discontent in my job and talking about my dreams for the future, my friend stopped me in mid thought and said, “Have you ever thought that maybe you’re doing it right now?”  Referring to the dreams I have for my life, I had not paused to consider the influence of my own at that moment.

“Why my soul, are you downcast? Put your hope in God, for I will praise him, my Savior and my God.”
“Why my soul, are you downcast? Put your hope in God, for I will praise him, my Savior and my God.”
“Why my soul, are you downcast? Put your hope in God, for I will praise him, my Savior and my God.”

I begin to meditate over and over on this favorite found in Psalms.

My roommate pops her head in my room and says, “Good morning Sunshine. Happy Birthday.”

I laugh, smiling on the inside.  This day may be for me, but it isn’t about me.  Something great is at work in me.

It is a wonderful life. All 27 years of them.

 

World Water Day

Sunday, March 22 was World Water Day.  The timing was perfect.  Saturday night at dinner I was discussing with my favorite how difficult the quest of 40 days of water has become.  In the beginning, it was an easy adjustment.  I started to crave water.  It was exciting to drink only water.

A few weeks passed and the cravings began.  At first, they were easy to tolerate and push to the side — but the denial of my taste bud favorites triggered war with my attitude.  I sat at dinner and said, “I don’t want to do this anymore.”  Frustration was loud that night. 

With wise counsel, we considered the cycle of sin.  So, I break my commitment, justify every beverage thereafter, and stand at the end of 40 days with self disapointment.  No, it’s not worth it.  I can fight for this.

It was a lesson my parents taught me when I was young.  I was never allowed to quit anything until the end of the season.  They taught me to stick it out when it got tough.  That when I don’t “feel” like doing or being apart anymore, I have to finish it.  And just don’t finish, but finish with as much enthusiasm and excellence as I had when I began.

I watched a short dvd of my trip to Mozambique last week.  There is a scene when a woman bends over a hole in the ground and dips a cup into the water and then takes a big drink.  The color of the water was the same color of water that washes off your hands after working with pottery.  But she’s thirsty and there isn’t any clean water.  What would you do?

We’re halfway to 40, but my heart is more than halfway stirred.  Consider the opportunties before you to allow more people access to clean water.

One dollar provides clean water to an African for one year.  I bet we’re easily on our way to reaching hundreds when one day, a drink of clean water will be like a refreshing rain after a long, dry season.

 

“When it is dark enough, you can see the stars.”

I made a list – 7 of my favorites.  They came quickly.  Memories.  Stories.   Events.  Lessons.   I marked each envelope accordingly and sealed each one shut.  I held the stack of envelopes, one for each day, for a few minutes as I recalled some of the things I appreciate most about pops.

• Riding around town in his sweet red convertible topped him on the charts of the coolest dad ever.  It only got better when he let me drive it when I earned my license.
• He read my name as I walked across the stage to receive my high school diploma.  An awesome perk to having my dad as a teacher.
• I love bedtime stories because pops always told them the best. 
• My dad can fix ANYTHING. 
• I can go to him for advice on anything — he always has answers to all of my questions.

He flew to Arizona today.  By himself.  He told me yesterday he’s never traveled alone in his 59 years.  I think he’s looking for fresh energy.  Escaping Minnesota winters for warm climates will do that for anyone.  But I think he’s on a quest and I hope the next 7 days will bring him some answers.

At times I’ve grown weary in the last few months — frustrated and maybe confused.  My heart wasn’t used to feeling this way.  Unsure of what the story could become, I knew I had to keep at it.  So, I wrote down 7 of my favorites and delievered them to pops before he left.  Uncertain of what he would think, I trusted they would be life, encouragement, and love to him on dark days.

I guess I was surprised to receive a call from him this morning.  “Thank you for the sweet note today,” he said with lightness in his voice.  “I love you.” 

Encouragement is great for other people, but it is so necessary for ourselves to participate in the act of encouraging as well.  Because for me, in the few moments it took to write down some favorites to share with my pops, I felt what I hope he will feel when he reads them.  Refreshed.

“Sometimes when it is dark enough, you can see the stars.”
And then, it’s all you see.

 

Beauty in Brokenness.

Other than the Martha Stewart magazine that arrives in the mail for me each month, my favorite piece of mail is edged in red, white, and blue.  It’s an envelope that is clearly beat up from the journey it’s taken in the last month to get to me from Mozambique, Africa.  Inside, I find correspondence from the Area Development Program Community of Namanjavira where my sponsored child Felizardo lives.

I picked up my stack of mail off the counter, momentarily wishing I would have checked the mail earlier in the week.  As I typically do, I open my mail in an order of determination; always saving the best for last.  Never disappointed, I carefully opened the envelope from World Vision.

Pictures immediately fell from the packet and I resisted the urge to look at them before reading the letter.  In anticipation, I quickly read the first page and in its contents, I am encouraged.  I flip to the next page of the packet.  It’s a letter from Felizardo.  He says,

“With that gift you addressed to me, we decided to buy a bicycle that will help us for transport, transporting me from place to place, specifically from school to home and so on.  Now the problem is solved.”

I paused.  The months since my trip to Africa have been difficult.  Every day, I’m caught in between.  Wrestling with the questions of what’s next, thinking and praying for Felizardo’s family, thinking and praying for my own family who is wrestling with tough days of heaviness and uncertainty.  Every day I fight for the hope I witnessed 10,000 miles from my home to be as alive in the story I tell today.  My heart has ached more in four months than any other time in my life.  Sometimes it seems I feel the hurt and pain others are experiencing and I fight for hope; a beautiful hope that will sustain and offer strength and peace along the way.

I pick up the pictures that fell from the letter.  I closely examine the three pictures, not wanting to miss a detail.  The bike is brand new, still wrapped in plastic.  Felizardo stands next to the bike in the same outfit he wore when I met him.  “Funky, Original, Cute, Little Dude.”  The shirt, shorts, and shoes are his best.  I flipped through the three pictures a few times.  I stopped at the first picture again.  I wondered if the woman next to Felizardo was his mom or sister.  She was clearly wearing her best too.  Her heels were white as if they’ve never been worn.  I noticed the necklace around her neck and then was drawn to the bracelets around her wrist.  I paused again.  They looked so familiar.  I remembered.  My Dad, Mom, & I made a bunch of beaded bracelets before I left for Africa.  I put a few in the bag of gifts I brought for Felizardo’s family.  She was wearing both of them.

Seeing the bracelets in the picture meant more to me than seeing what the family purchased as a result of a monetary gift I sent one day.  There is no doubt my travel to Africa has changed my life.  As I sit here today, unsure of the stirrings in my heart and what they mean, I rest confidently that there is beauty in brokenness.

As a bicycle may have solved a problem in their life, those bracelets on her wrist in those pictures, blessed my life.  It’s a unique relationship, one I wish everyone could experience.  It will change you.  It will break you.  It will fill your heart with compassion where some days, all you do is ache to find the beauty in your brokenness.

Today, I was reminded again of the beautiful hope we share.

 

 

safe to just be.

“And God,” she continues, “Can you remind her how much we love her?  Can you help make her heart whole so she can come back soon?  I ask that you help her today and tomorrow and all her days to come.  Losing your dad is hard and I ask you’ll be with her and love her and bring her back to us.”

This is what I love.  People who start to believe hope is real.  People who are willing to be real and share how they really feel.  I love creating a place where people feel safe to just be.

I’m not quite sure what got into her this week.  She prayed for everyone in the room and let everyone else have a turn then her heart told her she had more to say.  With my eyes closed, I felt my heart smile.  I listened to her words and wished I could have recorded them for our friend she was praying for.  The few months her dad was given, was replaced by a few short weeks.  She stands firm today, giving God the glory for his perfection, especially as it brought Ellie closer to the cross.

Ellie closes, “And God, thank you for these girls and for this place I can come every week where I know people love me and want to see me  do well in life.  I’m so glad they’re here to help me.”

This is what we’re all about.  Understanding life is hard for most people, most of the time.  But you’re not alone in the places you feel stuck.  We were never meant to do life alone and our dream is to be a community where hope and love writes a better ending.

Together, we’re inviting people to come find life, find freedom, and find love.

We believe the best is yet to come as we create a place — safe to just be.