it isn’t what. it is why.

I’ve moved his picture around my house for the last few months. It’s been in my car and on my night stand, but I think I’ve finally found a home for it to rest. I laid in bed last night in the direction of the picture and for the first time since I decided to go on this trip, emotion filled my heart. In 16 days, I’m headed to the other side of the world where I will meet Felzardo; my sponsored child living in Mozambique, Africa.

The anticipation is growing. I sit on my bed and look at his picture. My friend asks, “Does he know you’re coming?” I sit and think, “I’m not sure.”

His picture stands on a shelf among displays of my life. Among the pictures of friends & weddings, family & quotes, hangs a plaque that says, “Passion. A powerful force that cannot be stopped.”  I suppose the display encapsulates the things that are most important to me.  I look at the wall from across the room and I begin to dream.  My heart stirs and for a second it feels like time stops silent.  I wonder what that moment will be like when we meet for the first time.  I wonder what I’ll say or if I’ll cry.  I wonder how that moment will change the rest of my life.  I wonder how our story could change the course of history for that community.

The picture directly above Felzardo is of three friends who have challenged me more in my faith than any single person ever.  They motivate me to love and to dream in ways that are far beyond my reach.  On the shelf to the left is a picture from the trip I took in the spring where I spent those days reading and writing while dreaming of something far greater than anything I’ve ever done or been.  Love wins.  Is what I wrote in the sand moments before the photo was taken.  On a notecard reads one of my favorite scripture verses, “…I wait for the Lord, my soul waits and in His word I put my hope.  Put your hope in the Lord, for with the Lord is unfailing love and with Him there is full redemption.”  Finally, an artistic photo of a clock stands in the place on the shelf next to Felzardo.  Time.  It goes fast for most of us.  But greater than the speed of that which we all wish we had more of, is the perfection in the timing of those moments that surround the memories & the passion on the wall. 

For such a time is this.  To go and do.  To live and love.  To not only dream, but to be a part of the story that is being written.  To be a face with a story.  To build confidence through hope that as many wonder if $35 a month is really making a difference – One team.  One October.  One community.  Ten days.  Will experience the love of a child and their family who also wonder what that moment will be like when they meet their sponsor who has been the answer to their prayers.

Then I heard the voice of the Lord saying, “Whom shall I send? Who will go for us?”
And I said, “Here am I. Send me.”

She walked in with a red and white flowered jacket on.  Always looking her best, she scanned the room in search of something, or rather, someone. I caught her eye, we met half way, and then she gave me  the biggest, fullest hug ever.  She held tight, enjoying the moment.  She whispered in my ear, “I’m so glad you’re alive.”  She held tighter as she recalled that one day, 13 years ago.

My bro & I spent the weekend at my cousins house –making potions and making our 3-year old cousin Michael try our not so tasty treats.  The six of us thought it would be fun if we gave Michael rides in the couch.  So, we pulled out the hideabed, laid him in it and folded it back down.  All of us were laughing and taking turns; entertaining ourselves as we always did at my Aunt’s house.

Later that weekend, when my parents left for a graduation party, my bro & I thought it would be fun if we gave our own rides in the couch at our house.  I, being the older, braver sister — decided to go first.  I crawled in as I had many times that weekend and Eddie folded me in and down.  A few seconds later, I called out to him that he could pull me out.  He nervously said to me, “I’m trying!”  I tried not to panic even though my air supply was dimishing as my face was surrounded by sheets.  A few seconds later, Eddie encourages me “Don’t go anywhere!  I’ll be back with some help!”  He ran next door to get Mr. & Mrs. Johnson.  However, the gradual wearing out of their bodies prevented them from pulling me out, so they did the next best thing.  They called 911.  By this time, I was able to adjust my neck and breathe through the metal frame of the couch.  Then, I hear, “There is an 11 year old girl stuck in her couch!”  I yelled from the couch, “I’m 13!”  Minutes later, the sirens stop in front of our house and what seemed like a dozen firemen came downstairs.  They attemped to pull me out a few times and quickly realized the bed was lodged in the corner.  “We’ll try one more time, then we’ll have to cut the back of the couch out.”  Thank goodness they tried one last time.  I was finally freed from the couch, vowing to never give rides in it again. 

No doubt my bro & I learned our lesson.  My dad told the story to all of his high school classes for years. I was embarrassed.  But now, 13 years later, it definitely tops the list of best Gallagher stories of all time.

Mrs. Johnson took a step back and looked me in the face with tears in her eyes.  “You almost didn’t make it that day.  You wouldn’t be here right now, celebrating life with your family.”  She touched my face as tears started to well-up in my eyes.  “I am so glad you’re alive.”  And she pulled me close for one more hug.

Mrs. Johnson has not only been the kindest neighbor we had growing up, but she has always made us feel like family and that this world would be so different if the Gallagher’s were not part of it.

“I never in my heart ever wanted to give it all up.

I understand.

Sometimes I get tunnel vision and I only see what is in front of me and I am unable to see the bigger picture.

Because of your strength and your trust in God, unlike me lately, you have been able to focus.

I have forgotten the many things you’ve done for me.  The ways you allowed me to be in your life.

How much you’ve loved, given, and prayed.

All those times.  It was because you did.

I realize now, why you invest so much into your relationship with God.

He makes you whole when you’re empty. He loves you when you feel you’re not loveable. He forgives when you’re at your worst. He is there when you are loneliest. He makes you tall when you are small. You know everything is going to be alright even when things couldn’t be any worse. You know deep down, God has a plan and you’re not afraid. He makes you strong and keeps you together, even when you think you’re falling apart.

I was up all night. Talking with God I suppose. Today I told him that I was going to try to trust him and that I was going to keep on walking, trusting that he would guide in the right direction. I felt a little less alone this morning. I felt a little spark inside me this morning when I was talking to him. Im trusting and hoping maybe that was his doing. Im trusting and hoping he will clear the fog, give me clarity and the strength to walk in the right direction whatever that may be.

Lately I have been praying to God, to guide me, to direct me, or to give me some kind of sign. Maybe I havent been looking hard enough and the sign is right under my nose. Im not even sure anymore. Sometimes I feel like im waiting. Waiting for something. And I just dont know what Im waiting for. Its like this feeling inside me wanting to, break out. I can feel it right now, right in my chest. Its feels like this living thing inside me, and its waiting for the right moment to show itself. The feeling is strong and some what powerful. Sometimes at the right moments I can feel flow through my veins, but then it fades. It flows when I see, hear, and feel certain things, sometimes all at the once. Its a feeling thats feels so right, like you were meant see, hear, or feel it at that very moment. So right in fact, It sends shivers down my spine, and leaves me with goose bumps.”

It isnt’t what, it is why.
His journey. Many steps.
We’re all still becoming.
Each day. One foot in front of the other.
Doing life and writing stories.

You know who you are.

Keep laughing. Keep dreaming. Keep living. Keep walking. Keep exploring. Keep loving.

Despite what some may think, I’ve never been much of a goal-setter.  There are definitely things I’d like to accomplish in my lifetime, but those dreams are much too simple for paper.  So, as I sat down in the beginning days of 2008, I filled out a goal sheet outlining the specifics for the next 365 days.

Clearly, it’s not the end of the year — but the weather this week will remind you it’s right around the corner.  As a way to continue to motivate myself to keep reaching and grasping for my future until the end of 2008, I thought I’d share some highlights from the first 8 months of the year.

• I’ve exceeded my financial goals for the year with 4 months remaining.
• I wanted to use my passport this year — in October, I’m heading to Africa.
• I’ve been making significant progress this year as I strive to change my “bad habit”.
• New friends? Yes! A few people have quickly made their way into a special place in my life.
• Exercise? I joined a fitness club!
• I wanted to run 10 miles –  I’m running the TC-10 in one month.
• I wanted to take a vacation by myself to relax, write, reflect (all on the beach of course). I spent 4 days doing all of that and more.
• I’ve read 2/4 books and number 3 has been on my nightstand for a few months.
• Anything else?  I wanted to be an Auntie!  Crazy!! In October, my bro and his wife will welcome their little girl into this amazing world.

This year has been full of so many exciting life events and the greatest thing is that there is still so much yet to come.  There are goals I have yet to begin and others I have yet to keep pursuing with diligence.  I’m confident the rest of the year will be more of what this year has been thus far.

It is really good to be alive.  To get to love and dream.  To explore and grow.
To be fully alive as if we only had 4 months of living, rather than 4 months left of the year…