it isn’t what. it is why.

It was late and we were exhausted.  I pushed the button to open the garage door and we waited for the door to lift.  Taking over my parking space, were all of our suitcases, boxes, and opened bins of books and clothes.  She immediately thought we were robbed — that someone rummaged through our stuff, apparently in search of something we didn’t feel was valuable to make it inside the house.  I, on the other hand, noticed the shelf supports were bent and the shelf was no longer hanging.  Immediately, I was thankful I had driven otherwise I’m sure there would have been significant damage to my vehicle.  After my moment of thankfulness — I became upset and that frustration quickly turned to crabbiness.  Who wants to clean up a major mess at 11:00 on a Sunday night?

A few days later, the contents of those boxes started to perk my interest.  I was slowly letting go of my incredible Summer Olympics addiction and I wandered into the garage.  I sat on the floor and opened up the first lid.  Ooh. It was loaded with goodies.  Inside, I found a picture box, papers from college, and a few journals.  I picked up the blue one, unsure of the words written on those pages.  I opened the cover with curiosity and hesitation, not really knowing what memories or feelings would be stirred by my reminiscing intrigue.

Feeling a bit guarded as I read, I flipped through the pages quick enough to scan the details, yet with a certain amount of pause and silence as I reflected on the journey since those entries.  I leaned back onto my car and closed my eyes.  I would never have imagined those days would have led to the life I get to live today.  I took a deep breath and flipped one more page.  November 15.  On that day, I found these words:

Eyes can’t see the way you hold me
Or how I’m hidden in Your heart
Minds don’t know all You’ve told me
Or how I ache for where You are
…
You are all over, You are around, You are inside
This is life, this is life
…
I come in empty, I leave filled
Bring my sickness, I leave healed
Broken-hearted, You mend every piece
I come in captive, I leave free

I ripped out the page of my journal and packed up the box.  I needed to find that song again.  The next day I began my search.  I found the cd, but it was unavailable for purchase.  I had just about exhausted my google search techniques when I had one last random idea.  Myspace.  I went to the artist’s page and found the song.  And, it was available as a download.

I wrote to a friend later that day, “In days like these — where we both don’t know what is to come tomorrow — I was so incredibly blessed today, fully resting in the arms of a Savior who calls me his own. He loves me, he shapes me, he disciplines me — and though my response isn’t always with a smile on my face — I look back a few years ago and then fast forward into the present and I see his hand on me every step of the way.  So, as you go about the rest of your job commitments and your hunger for community continues to grow — be confident that He who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion.  He has a plan and sometimes He has these ways of drawing us unto him.  We’re resistant and difficult — sometimes blind, but we follow — sometimes with hesitation.  It’s good to be alive today. “

I picked my friend up from the airport later that day and I’m telling her about my random rummaging through old boxes and my quest to hear this song again and my excitement when I finally found it.  Then she pulls out three new cd’s she acquired from her week with Rita Springer.  She flipped one of them over and as I scanned the song titles, there it was, “This Is Life” on the disc.

Then she said something that made me think.  “Isn’t that crazy the way God works?  If only we gave him more credit for the simple workings each day.”

This is life, isn’t it?

*If you’re interested in hearing the song for yourself, http://profile.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=user.viewprofile&friendID=72498407

I went on a quest to get creative on a special day.  The more I thought about her reaction, the more excited I became.  I called my mom to tell her my plan.  I stopped by Flowers at the Park and arranged a small vase of some favorites.  The hot pinks, reds, and greens reminded me of something out of a Martha Stewart magazine.  It was perfect.  I drove to work and as soon as I peered in the door, I saw her sitting behind the desk.  “Happy Birthday tomorrow!” I exclaimed with flowers in hand.  “It’s actually today!” She responded with a big smile on her face.  “Good thing I’m on time!” I said, handing her the colored assortment.  We laughed as we typically do and we unpacked the vase and picked a place where many could enjoy the sweet smells for the day.

I didn’t expect her to be sitting at work already and I didn’t realize today was actually her birthday (I thought it was tomorrow).  If I was in her shoes, today would be a rough day.  With little kids at home and a sudden divorce on the horizon, I decided there had to be a way to make her day bright.  This birthday was going to be a little different as life has changed much in the recent months, so I decided it was a quest of mine to bring some joy and sunshine to what could’ve been a cloudy day.

I haven’t seen her smile so big in months.  As I drove away, my heart was lightened.  I smiled and could hardly contain my happiness, I had to update my mom to let her know how the plan unfolded.  As I think about her smile and the joy I felt knowing that her day was a little sunnier, I realized, this celebration of life has to continue.

Life is too short not to stop and smell the flowers.
Happy Birthday friend!

I stood on the dock and welcomed our guests back from their excursion around Bare Foot Bay.  I noticed a pin on the lapel of an older woman.  It read, “Jesus First.”  It was likely Jesus wasn’t first in my life those days.  The path was a little crooked some moments, though most days were spent trying to do the right thing or to set the right example.

Those were the days of the beginning.  The beginning of a long journey ahead.  I found myself believing the lies — but it was only in the action when I saw proof of my new mindset.  It was a long time before I decided my logic wasn’t correct.  I remember a time when I clearly knew it was a black & white issue, but somewhere among the stories of my life, it turned into a shade of gray.  Feeling trapped in my own quest to be in control, I was led to a moment that catalyzed my life.

I developed spiritual measles.  In sections, I looked alright.  But, I started to learn the disciple is one who has the new name written all over him; where self-interest and pride and self-sufficiency have been completely erased.  I looked at my heart and saw the spottiness of the perpetrating disease.  I needed to change.  I really needed to let God be the Lord over every area of my life and I really needed to start trusting Him for every area in my life.  The measles were getting disgusting.

Recently, I was encouraged in my pursuit to let Jesus be everything.  For the first time in scoring a spiritual gifts inventory, Faith ranked as my highest gift.  Never before has it even ranked in the top ten of my results.  See, for the first time in my life, I’ve finally let go of the one thing that I’ve always had a difficult time in trusting the Lord.  Is it a coincidence that the pursuit of my heart has led me to a place of definement at this moment, that in the one thing I want to believe God with all my heart — has shown itself to me in a gifts inventory — that I, am found to have grown into a higher ranking in the faith category?  Faith isn’t just believing in God, but it’s believing that what God says is true.

And for the first time, I fully believe in what God says is true for me as I lift up to him, the one thing I hold so dearly in my life.  I come alive when I see beyond my fears and when I’m broken down and giving Him control.

Jesus First.  The pin hangs on a scented flip-flop on my rear-view mirror.  It reminds me of a time when I wasn’t sure I wanted Jesus to be first, of a time when I wanted Jesus to be first but…, and a time where each day is a quest to let Jesus be everything.

Jesue First. Jesus Second. Jesus Third until my life is faced steadily with God and no one else is of any account whatever.  “In all the world there is none but thee, my God, there is none but thee.”