it isn’t what. it is why.

Tonight, I built a frame.  Ryan, at Home Depot laughed at me when I told him my plan.  I’m glad he had a little bit more knowledge than I did, because he attempted to make the project easier for me to complete.  However, it didn’t go exactly as I had planned.

For the last 9 months, I’ve really enjoyed thinking I’m creatively resourceful.  I’ve read some books, painted some walls, installed my ceiling light fixture, & even customized a few canvases that will be mounted in my handmade frame in the next few days.  Last week, I learned how to hang my new wall shelves the right way…though it has yet to be done.

I got my tool box out and opened the case that contains my drill.  Yes, I have a drill, but apparently I need more practice with it because Ryan insisted it would be very easy to attach the corner brackets on the wood that would become my frame.  It wasn’t as easy as I anticipated and it didn’t help the kitchen floor isn’t as flat as I hoped it would be.  I drilled some holes, attached the brackets, & turned the frame over to find all four sides were not as tightly secured as they should be.  I wasn’t sure how to fix it, so I took the wood outside to paint it, obviously thinking I could disguise the poor design.

I was so excited for the end result, I didn’t take enough time to ensure each step was done correctly.  I figured I could fix it in the end – to make it better.  Sometimes the same idea is the idea we have when we approach sin in our lives.  We know it’s something we shouldn’t do, but we also know the grace of God (though cheapened through our rationalization of sin at that moment) will be extended to us on the other side.  Sin is good for a season and we’ll enjoy it and then we’ll ask for forgiveness so we can make our cake and eat it too.  Partake in the sin and then deal with the consequences later.  Seems simple.

The paint on my frame dried and it was clear the black paint didn’t disguise the poor workmanship.  I thought I could seal the defects with caulk.  It worked, until I moved the frame.  The caulk cracked and it was evident the structure wasn’t entirely secure.  I nailed a few brackets on the back of my frame to secure my canvases.  Again, Ryan’s suggestion was poor.  With every hammer pound, the frame shifted and cracked the painted caulk.  I finally got the frame hung on my wall and with satisfaction in the end result, I autographed my picture as artists who are proud of their work often do.

Deal with sin.  Deal with those things in life where change is desired.  Covering up sin creates future problems.  From a distance, my frame looks great.  But up close, the cover up is evident.  Another layer of paint and caulk may make the frame appear as if it was constructed well, but beneath the layers, truth remains; it was only another cover up for an unresolved issue.

As I sit on the eve of another birthday, I am amazed at where I am in life.  I had a friend tell me yesterday that I have more on the tip of my finger than what 90% of people have in the world.  I am blessed.  I am fortunate.  Life is great.  It can be tough, but it’s great. 

I have lived this year with more joy & life.  Some of the highlights include:

One of my closest friends got married & two of my other close friends got engaged.  I have found a love for writing and have since decided to write a book.  I met Ty Pennington & was so blessed to work on the Extreme Makeover House in Minnetonka in August.  I have found a new niche with interior design.  I was accepted to grad school, but decided the timing was exactly right yet.  I started working as a swim instructor with F.S.S.  It has challenged me more than any single thing in my recent years.  I began the journey to overcome my fears & insecurities by admitting my weakness through an ultimate desire to change who I am.  I have grown close to a friend who shares in the desire for freedom in an area that has held her much longer than it’s held me.  She has challenged me to be more like Christ in ways she’ll never know.  This year, I was told I am going to be an Aunt.  I am excited to love this little person and I can’t wait for this life to be born.  I decided it would be ok to travel on my own and to explore life rather than waiting for someone to join me.  I went to my first movie by myself & it was a definite hard moment, but not so bad.  I’ve stepped out of my comfort zone and started exploring new opportunites all around me. 

This 25th year of life has been one of growth and love.  My heart has been expanded and challenged.  I’ve made a lot of progress in some areas, but have found loss in others.  I have lived, loved, & laughed a lot.  I have been inspired by a group of teenagers who love Christ and love people.  I have learned a lot of new things about who I am becomming.  I love who I am and the ways God is shaping my heart to be more like His.  I refuse to stop dreaming just because I can get easily caught up in lack of direction or in the feeling of being rejected.  I’ve grown to love Jesus in a more intimate & personal way.  He has changed me so much and I am so thankful for His never-ending grace & love in my life.  The cry of my heart is to bring Him praise.  You can have all this world, but give me Jesus. 

I continue to learn I will fail & I will fall short.  But this, I will remember:

“I get up.  I walk.  I fall down.  Meanwhile, I keep dancing.”

Happy 26th.

I was at home when my friend called me from the hospital, telling me she tried to commit suicide that day.  It was Valentines Day and we were in 10th grade.  A mutual friend of ours who shared our table in ceramics class looked her in the eye one day and said, “I wish you would have pulled the trigger.” 

I ran into that same friend five years later at college and as we were reminiscing about our high school years, he looked me in the eye and said, “I still wish she would have pulled the trigger.”  Since then, our friend has lost her husband and the father of her children to a heart condition.  I bet there are many days she doesn’t feel alive.  It was the first time a close friend seriously considered ending her life.  I’m so glad she is still here today.

I have another friend who said on her birthday that she wished she had never been born.  

Never been born?  I can’t imagine what my life would be like without her in it.  I can’t imagine how different so many people’s lives would be if she was never born.  I have learned more about selfless living from her more than everyone in my life combined.  I have learned generosity, joy, love, & grace.  My life has been challenged, strengthened, & encouraged in more ways than I can list.  After all, it’s because of her I have the guts to bust a move on the dance floor.  With late night talks, fabulous eye shadow application, marshmallow fights, guitar hero competitions & the richness of life found in the depth of her character… here’s to you my friend; I’m so glad you were born.

I had almost forgotten how bright the stars were in the sky.  The water was sounding up on the shore and a cool breeze kept a chill in the air.  I looked up, and for a moment, time stood still.

It was the perfect ending to a great weekend back home.  This year we were all a little older, a little more mature.   Although the things of yesterday were significant, they have molded and shaped us to cross paths once again.

The stars in the sky were endless that night.  They sparkled and twinkled among the giant black canvas…

“Life is full of beauty.  Notice it.  Notice the bumble bee, the small child, and the smiling faces.  Smell the rain, and feel the wind.  Live your life to the fullest potential and fight for your dreams.”