it isn’t what. it is why.

Life is changing. The life I had envisioned I would be living today, 12 years ago has been wrecked.

Wrecked for the ordinary.

I want my life to count. I want other people’s lives to count. I want people to know the goodness I know to be found in Christ. I want to do everything possible to be that goodness — to be the change I want to see.

But today, I am frustrated. I am frustrated with the rules and regulations that put boundaries on our love. I am frustrated with the future and on day soon, when this wind dies over here on the East side — it will eventually die on the West side as well. But when the wind stops blowing over here, we probably won’t remember the wind is still blowing on the other side of the city. We wait in hope today. Tomorrow we’ll trust in our God to provide another way.

What if we were the other way?

Today, I don’t understand the point in doing what we do every week if this is the way it is going to end up when we have an opportunity as we do right now. 2+2 is not equalling 4.

Even if I abandoned everything I knew to be true. When George Eliot said, “What do we live for; if it is not to make life less difficult for each other.” He knew what he was talking about.

“Go find your Calcutta.”

I wish I could remember what it was I was looking for in my closet. I get in these moods and so begins a quest – the search party is called in (I’m usually the only one) and no one sleeps until all that was lost, is found.

Search parties have been called a bit much in the last few weeks. The latest trend usually has to do with a missing gift card, which is usually found in the middle of a pile of papers somewhere between purses and a file box. Friday was no different. However, what began as purposeful determination, quickly transpired into days of reading & sorting on my closet floor.

I found this old shopping bag full of cards, papers, emails, & notes. See, when I was sophomore in high school, I heard a speaker talk about his encouragement folder. It was this place he would turn to, when he needed something to brighten his day. I thought it was a fabulous idea and I started my own encouragement folder – which has grown into a box of encouragement, 10 years later.

Maybe this is what has influenced a more dominant love language (words of encouragement). There are few things that could mean more to me. And so, there are days when I actively look for that box, days when I have stuff to add to the box, and other days I randomly discover the box and then open it to be blessed by its contents yet another time.

But on Monday, as I was sitting on my closet floor, reading, crying, & laughing – all out loud – my phone rang. In the course of our lengthy conversation, my friend gently reminded me, in their silly seriousness, of a few things:

1. There is probably someone else sitting on their closet floor, laughing & crying while going through their special box of memories.
2. Sometimes you need to forget about the time and just lie on your closet floor and enjoy the company of a good friend on the phone.
3. People need encouragement. They want to know their friendship means something. If you appreciate them, tell them. Don’t assume they know. Everyone enjoys a little reminder from time to time.

I think we all know life is short. We’ve all heard quotes like, “If you were going to die soon & had only one phone call to make, who would you call & what would you say? Why are you waiting?” And we all know what it feels like to have someone tell us what the friendship we share means to them.

But, we don’t have enough of those moments. Do people know how much we genuinely appreciate their friendship? Too often, we get caught up in wondering what that person will think or how it could be misinterpreted. But really, if you have something to say, say it and be confident in it.

It seems this has been on my friends’ mind. Because this morning, patiently waiting in my inbox was a message. There was no reason why the message was written, other than the realization one person had last night in what friendship can mean. There was no conclusion, other than, “There are many more reasons, but I had to pee, so I stopped at 17.”

This too will get tucked away in the box in my closet for another day. Another day when this same message will be like sun on a cloudy day.

Maybe you could be just that to someone today. You don’t have to try and make it to 17, because I know that just 1 reason would be enough, especially if it was coming straight from you.

What if, in the midst of the blackest of all black, we clung to the slightest glimmer of possibility? As possibilty waves it’s hand as if we met before, we meet hope. And this hope holds us like an anchor.

The boat begins to rock and the winds pick up. They told us, “If he was anywhere else but where he was, he wouldn’t have made it.” Then it was, “He wasn’t supposed to make it through the weekend.”

We thought celebration for one family was going to be replaced with grief for another. The waiting room isn’t comfortable. You wait. And wait. And wait…

As we wait, we’re continually reminded that love doesn’t give up. Love trusts God always, always looks for the best, never looks back, but keeps going to the end.

Familiarity is sometimes frightening. Uncertainity is sometimes frightening too.

Life sometimes happens in the ways we least expect it and most of the time, it’s easier to have hope when circumstances appear hopeful. But life really radiates beauty in those who trust steadily and hope unswervingly even when the darkness can’t get any darker. We will always be learning and growing.

Today we’re rejoicing as the love of God stirs wildly in our hearts and has reminded us of majestic perfection in beauty & love by those who desire to impact their world. We can’t see clearly yet, but the fog is lifting and the sun is starting to shine through. He will continue to fight this battle and we celebrate.

Beautiful & significant things began 20 days ago in this family and will continue through a lifetime impacting many more. Thank you. We’re only one.

With fly guts smeared on my desk and the clutter of colorful post-it notes (of all sizes) surrounding 2 cell phones, an assortment of scented lotions, pictures that need to be updated, a planner flipped to the current month (only 3 days into it and it’s filling up quickly) and a calculator I’m constantly putting away or taking out to make crunching numbers a bit easier on my brain, I sit back and think, I need to pull the shades down. My office is getting hot!
It’s been about 58 days since my friends and I officially made plans to go on vacation next week. It’s been just over 9 months at my job and about that same amount of time exploring and examining life fully on my own…as is, apart from anyone or anything I ever imagined or planned.

Ah, there it is, my life is everything I’ve never imagined or planned–and yet, still far better than anything I could have written as my own story.

So I’ve been thinking a lot in the last week or so, all the things I’ve done, have planned to do and those in my life I get to share these adventures with. As I seek a vision for my life and desire more than anything for it to exceed my grasp, I’m observing my own tendencies in dreaming. As a little girl, I had big girl dreams and hopes. As a big girl, could it be a fear that keeps my arm by my side hoping those dreams will land right on top of me?

This journey of life teaches me the end is the process and not so much about attaining a goal I’ve spent so long preparing for…sure life is a race. We run to win, but can’t I win while I run?
I decided a few months ago to hang up my running shoes. I’m tired of running after things that make other people happy. Maybe what I mean is that if I’m not running after things that make other people happy, I can still be happy.

My only hope is when a friend asks me, “well, how are you doing now that…” and I tell her how wonderful life is, my response wouldn’t be passed off as a phony cover-up to convince myself or her that I really am ok. Or when I think I have early career blues, I don’t minimize where I’ll be tomorrow because of where I am today. Better yet, if I feel I have to convince you of how enjoyable and fantastic my life is…it might not be me needing to convince myself of anything as is convincing you to get your eyes checked.

See, you can be there and I can be here and by our own definitions, both be entirely happy with where we are in life. We will have our days I’m sure, but let’s agree to take eachother at our word.

Because if you have a hard time believing what I tell you, I’ll kindly remind you your glasses are right where you left them. Pull them out of your hair and stick them on your face. I’m positive you’ll see much clearer.

Coke bottle or not, eat more carrots, improve your eyesight, and definitely…tell me all about it. I promise to take it all in and celebrate life with you. Then, I’ll buy us both a bag of carrots and together we’ll eat away as we need those vitamins daily.

“The great use of life is to spend it on something that will outlast it.” James Adams
…Because I believe, the change must begin with me…

I had quite the evening of star-struck fun at my place! Ok, well, I wasn’t star struck, but I have never seen so many people behave in the manner I witnessed on Wednesday night. It was unbelieveable. My friend Allison came over and we walked around my building and eventually made our way over to the red carpet. We found a little corner to stand in by the glass doors as we waited for an hour just to see a few ordinary people who excel at what they do. I cannot begin to describe the series of events that took place. We were standing next to this teenage girl–who was all “glammed-up” and looked entirely uncomfortable. Goodness, I felt uncomfortable for her. Two other girls –who were definitely over 6 ft tall were broadcasting the course of events, play by play on their mini digital camera that held nothing more than a few min of recording time. Did I mention it was hilarious? People tried and tried to squeeze through the crowd to get closer to the red carpet and velvet ropes. One of which caught my attention. He was a young kid in a green grass colored athletic coat. In his hand was a cd with some business cards. I would venture to say the cd was of himself and his hope was his business cards would link him with these “stars”. Hmm, why would I think that? Well, he pushed his way thru our small crowded corner and stood there singing. Then he says, “Am I in anyone’s way?” Unanimously, 4 girls surrounding us boldly declared yes and instructed the teen where to stand so our vision was not blocked. As if that wasn’t enough, he stood right behind me, singing loudly as if he were in the shower. All I could do was laugh. “How sweet it is to be loved by you” was the one phrase sung over and over. It was hysterical. I could have died laughing right there. He eventually moved and made his way to the carpet’s edge in time to get close with the “stars.” There was another lady next to me scarffing down cheese popcorn while rubbing her cheese covered hands on her black velvet dress. Two highly fashionable girls could not stop talking about how they were extras in the film and how they hoped they made the final cut. An older guy next to me asked me to tell him when Lindsay Lohan was here so he could take a picture for his granddaughter. Then finally, the stars made their way, autographs were signed, pictures were taken and it was over.

The excitement and thrill of celebrityism really caught my attention more than ever. Meryl streep shook this lady’s hand next to me and then this lady leans over and says, “I’m never gonna wash this hand again!” Wow. Talk about the hype and elevation of stardom.

But it made me take a step further and look at the situation. I can’t help but separate biblical times from this instance. Let’s go back 2,000 years and think about it.

People from all over heard Christ was coming to town. Some believed, others were skeptical, and yet, they all gathered to witness his arrival. The crowds swarmed Him, some yelling, others crying, and others standing back observing with their arms crossed. And although the crowd is tight, a woman manages to squeeze through, quite possibly gets trampled on and falls to the ground and while among the smelly feet, her goal remains and she stretches out her arm in hopes to touch the hem of his garment, fully believing the slightest touch would change her life. Still, another person calls out, “Jesus!” And although hundreds of people are calling his name, the specific voice captured his attention and drew him to the one with desperation in his voice. Eye contact was made and the moment could never be explained with words. And so the Messiah continues this path towards his destination and the crowds slowly go their separate ways.

The mystery of people absolutely fascinates me.

Some days I think I have my life all figured out. Other days, I know I don’t have it all figured out, but I’m ok with it. And still there are days when I know I don’t have it figured out, and it drives me crazy. I’ve been feeling the effects of craziness a lot lately. Too much analyzation and not enough prayer always brings me to a point of feeling stressed. So, here I am.
I love my family and friends. I love laughter. I love when people make me laugh. I love when you’re laughing so hard you can’t stand up, or your right eye begins to close, or you shake in that silent-tears are filling up my eyes kind-of-way.

I love ordinary people who reveal their ordinary ways and we can laugh about it knowing we’re ordinary people with ordinary lives, enjoying every moment.

A friend made me laugh that way on Saturday when she told me what she was going to wear–or not wear in the hot tub. Another good friend made me laugh that way 15 minutes ago when she sends me an email that says, “I thought my boss went to lunch, and i JUST RIPPED ONE, SO EMBARRASSED!”

Life is great. Laughter is refreshing. It’s just like washing your face. I love it!

Friday seemed like any other day. I got home from work and checked my mail. Included in the stack was an envelope from my child sponsorship organization. I was standing in my living space and a friend picked up a picture frame of a little girl. She said, “Don’t tell me this is a child you sponsor.” I looked up from my mail and said, “Yes it is. That’s why I didn’t tell you.” I continued opening my mail as I listened to the conversation in the background. My friend asked me how much I contribute to this little girl and her family. I then reached my last piece of mail in the stack. I opened it up and I couldn’t help the tears that began to fill my eyes. My friend said, “How do you really know your money is really going to help this little girl in Haiti?” I responded with the letter in my hand, “because she just wrote me a letter.” It was the most precious moment I’ve had in a long time. Sergine told me about her family and what she likes to do for fun. I flipped the page over and there was a picture of flowers she drew and colored for me. Then it said, “I pray for you everyday. Thank you for praying for me.” I don’t think life can get any more sweeter.